June 18, 2012 § Leave a comment
Now that I’ve realised how it’s all gone wrong,
Gotta find some therapy, this treatment takes too long.
Deep in the heart of where sympathy held sway,
Gotta find my destiny, before it gets too late.
Above are the closing lyrics of the song “Twenty Four Hours” from the Joy Division album Closer. In my eyes Closer gives perhaps the best insight into a tortured mind than anything I have ever encountered. Hauntingly beautiful and painfully honest, it is a favorite album of mine. One I can barely listen to at this point in my life.
I don’t normally talk about depression that often, as it is a state of mind that few can understand who haven’t been there. Having been there myself, I don’t even really understand it. I guess for me it stemmed from a lifetime of shyness, insecurity, social ineptitude, and anxiety. Once I was let out into the “real world” I found it extremely difficult to adapt which I think in turn led to a state of major depression. By my mid-20’s I wasn’t even close to functional. It took me years to get out of that state and I can’t say I’m sure how I even did. It certainly wasn’t through psychiatry or modern Western medicine. Not putting any of those things down, but they aren’t what did it for me. It is all a blur really. I think the fog just gradually lifted and I found it in me to help myself. After years of neglect and practically falling off the face of the earth I began to take care of myself, which in turn led to a gradual change in perception about both myself and the world. I became healthier, lost weight, gained confidence, and began putting myself out into the world that I had pretty much written off for so long.
However, this is where things get difficult. For putting yourself out there most leads to a lot of rejection. I find myself now at 32 with no friends or idea of how to make friends, no relationship or idea on how to even find a partner, no career and no experience in order to get a career, and so on. I feel like someone who has recently been released from prison, only the prison I was in was created by own mind. Which makes me quite angry since my mind can be quite brilliant otherwise. All I want right now is to live. To experience the life I left behind for so long. I have never felt so capable and confident in my entire adult life.
And that is where the frustration sets in. There is so much I want to be doing, yet I can’t figure out how to do it. I can’t figure out how to relate to my peers, how to approach people, how to find a job when all I have is a degree in a rather useless subject and no real job experience. I feel so pathetic and worthless, which in turn leads me to do pathetic things at times. It is as if I occupy this weird space between having it together and having nothing at all. When I was depressed I felt so extremely worthless that I expected everyone else to also view me as worthless. Now I know I am not worthless, yet I have a past that I can’t really seem to shake. I try to avoid telling people too much about that past since as I mentioned, it is one that few can possibly understand. And I don’t blame them.
I am not sure why I am putting this out there. Maybe I feel that by venting some of my frustration it will perhaps dissipate some, but I know that isn’t really the case. I am just really struggling with unemployment and feeling so disconnected from my peers right now. I am generally a person who is pretty ok with being alone, yet the feeling of loneliness is rather different and something that I am having a hard time being ok with. The non-stop job application and interview process is emotionally exhausting and after trying for a couple of years it gets harder to keep hope alive.
I do pretty much feel like I am at the point where I need to find my destiny before it is too late. Some may that it is never too late, but the sense of urgency I am feeling is so strong. My desire to be a participant in life is so immense, yet I get so lost and confused. How does one learn to live life after they left it for so long? I guess this is the question I am so desperately trying to answer, knowing very well that there is no clear answer. So much closer than ever before, yet right now feeling just out of reach.