July 10, 2012 § Leave a comment
The subject of non-attachment has come up in several of the yoga classes I have taken recently and it couldn’t have been more perfect timing for me to hear it. Non-attachment is precisely what I need to be practicing in my life right now. If only it weren’t so difficult! I am at this weird point in my life where I am feeling more confident than ever, looking better than ever, wanting to live life more than ever, yet I am so stuck fixating on things that I need to just let go of. I say that I don’t want my past to define me, yet I continue to fear that it will. I say that I don’t want to continue to make the same bad decisions over and over, yet I do. Instead of just being ok with the moment that I am in regardless of how bad it might feel, I would rather let loneliness and envy take over and set myself up to be hurt (and usually look rather foolish while doing so) yet again. Instead of taking risks and trying to change my socially phobic ways, I go back to projecting my insecurities about myself onto others.
When I went to google “non-attachment” one of the first things that came up was this post on zenhabits by Lori Deschene of Tiny Buddha. Every word hit home with me. Every. Single. Word. I’m far too attached to feelings, moments, things, people, my past, silly fantasies, fears of the future, and so on. And I know this. Non-attachment is not a new concept to me and I like to think that I try to live in the moment far more lately, but truthfully I know I am not trying nearly as much I should. Now has to be enough, as now is all there really is.
I have come so far in the past few years and while it is frustrating that still can’t seem to do things like find employment or find a social circle for myself, I know that I cannot let these things or my feelings about them define and control me. I can’t sit around and think about what I could have done differently, as I will never have the chance to do it differently. I need to be constantly opening myself up to new experiences, new people, and new ways of life. Instead of being attached to the false notion that if X happens things will change, I need to constantly remember that change lies within me. As said in a song by one of my favorite bands and as I have been saying to myself over and over again “They say the past must die for the future to be born.” And from the end of the article linked above:
Just know you have the power to choose from moment to moment how you experience things you enjoy: with a sense of ownership, anxiety, and fear, or with a sense of freedom, peace and love.
The most important question: what do you choose right now?