January 16, 2013 § Leave a comment

I try not to view a new year as a new beginning, because I don’t quite believe in new beginnings.  Well, I believe in them in the sense that every moment is a new beginning.  Still, it is difficult to not pour over the past and look toward a positive future when January 1st rolls around.

This past year has been rather chaotic for me.  In many ways it has perhaps been one of the best ever.  I am in the best shape of my entire life and with that I also look better than ever, I actually made some great friends, I ran more miles than I ever though were possible and ended my first year of races by completing a full marathon, and so on.  However, I guess that is what has made it so odd.  I am not accustomed to social interaction, to getting attention from guys I actually want attention from, to having such big goals and desires.  This all leads to a lot of frustration.  All of these feelings come up and I don’t know what to do with them.  All of these situations come up and I don’t know how to react to them.  In many ways I am just lost.

But I also know that there is nothing to search for, because I also don’t really believe in “finding yourself”.  I guess I just want to keep trying to stay on a path of self-discovery and keep up the attempt to regain normalcy.  The problem with that is that things in my life, at least as an adult, have never really been normal.  And I know many will claim that there is no “normal”, but eh.  Basically, I am just striving for the opposite of insane chaos.

Balance is key for me right now.  As is focus.  I know I need to be far more proactive in creating change in my life.  Nothing external can do that for me and I truly believe that the only way to create change is from within.  Being said, that is of course a daily struggle.  Fear is still a big factor for me, as is anxiety.  I lost so much of my life in my 20’s that I have entered my 30’s feeling like I am just not on the same level as all of my peers.  Sure I have life experiences, but they are vastly different from the life experiences of the majority.   Instead of spending my 20’s trying to build a career, dating, having sex, making friends, and so on I spend them wishing I were dead.  Not exactly something that is a great conversation starter or something that makes me relatable to a majority of others.  And while I have done a good job in shedding many of the past insecurities that held me down, this has become the main insecurity of my present.

So while I have many health, fitness, social, and emotional goals for 2013, my main goal is to just evolve.  I hope that this year will be far better than the last.  That some of the pieces will finally start coming together.  That I can finally balance all of my needs, and wants, and desires.  In the end I just want to keep striving to be my best self.

And yes one of my goals is to post here more (and perhaps actually use this space to connect rather than just talk to myself), but of course it took me until January 16th to even publish my first post of the year (though I started it on January 4th, so that is…something).  And I’m still uncertain of what to even do with this space.  Oh well.  I’ll keep trying…


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